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Bundles of Joy: Which Baby Movie is for You?

New animation The Boss Baby introduces a suit-wearing, dummy-sucking tyrant to our screens. Not to your taste? Worry not, theres a baby film out there just for you

There is no such genre as the baby movie. Just because one film happens to feature an infant, its not automatically lumped in with every other film with a baby in it. If Netflix suggested that you watch Rosemarys Baby on the basis that you enjoyed Look Whos Talking Too, youd cancel your subscription and write an angry letter.

Or take The Boss Baby. Its great for people who like films about corporations that churn out a never-ending torrent of mass-produced babies to compensate for humanitys lack of sexual activity, and some of these infants drink potions that allow them to remain tiny until well into middle age. But it might not be for everyone. If thats the case, youll probably find the baby film for you below

If you think babies know more than they are saying: Look Whos Talking, 1989

Watch the trailer for Look Whos Talking

Its human nature to wonder what babies are thinking. But, if you lack the imagination, Look Whos Talking can take at least some of the strain. And, in case youre wondering, it turns out that babies mainly think in a hoo-boy wiseguy stream of sub-Moonlighting blue collar one-liner consciousness.

If youre about to become a parent, and youre not ready: Eraserhead, 1977

Its important, when youre on the cusp of parenthood, to know that billions of people have experienced all your exact anxieties before. Why, just look at the protagonist from David Lynchs Eraserhead. Hes terrified. Admittedly this is because his baby is a writhing snake-alien and he lives in a world of relentlessly foreboding industrial screeching. But, hey, if he can make a fist of it, so can you.

Whos
Whos the daddy Mia Farrow in Rosemarys Baby. Photograph: Rex/Moviestore Collection

If youve just become a parent and youre still not ready: Rosemarys Baby, 1968

Although becoming a parent can be scary and overwhelming at first, know that youll come round to it in the end. Look at the final scene of Rosemarys Baby, for example. Those people love that kid, almost to the point of worship. Even its own mother is won over by that little miracle of life in the end. Whenever in doubt, you should always remember Rosemarys Babys happy ending.

If youre slightly too invested in the idea of babies as symbols of universal peace: 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968

My guess is that you buy all your music from garden centres, and you dont own a T-shirt that doesnt have a wolf on it. You also believe that babies represent total serenity, and youre enchanted by the starchild at the end of 2001, gazing on the majesty of the universe in a state of placid wonder. I mean, sure, if it was a real baby then itd be screaming and crying and soiling itself as aggressively as it possibly could, but lets not split hairs.

If you see the humour in mistaking a newborn baby for a package of heroin: Three Men and a Baby, 1987

Watch the trailer for Three Men and a Baby

Babies, right? Theyre hilarious, especially if youre just a stupid man and you dont know how they work. In fact, youve probably accidentally handed your baby to a drug dealer because you mistakenly thought it was a large quantity of a Class A drug, havent you? Better yet, you probably did it as part of a tonally jarring subplot to a frothy romcom that has Waiting for a Star to Fall on the soundtrack, too.

If youve harboured dreams of becoming a mumtrepreneur: Baby Boom, 1987

Watch the trailer for Baby Boom

With half of pregnant employees experiencing some form of discrimination at work, it seems only natural to want to go it alone once you become a mother. Why not start knitting and distributing baby hats, or launching some sort of loosely defined, mum-based consultation firm? Or why not, as Diane Keaton does in Baby Boom, move to the countryside, mash up some apples and then fend off multi-million dollar acquisitions from multinational food conglomerates who have apparently never seen mashed-up apples before?

If you think real babies are too complicated: American Sniper, 2014

Sure, you understand why people love babies, and you want people to think that youve got a baby of your own, but youre too tired and busy to commit to the real thing. What can you do? Why not take the approach of Sienna Miller in Clint Eastwoods American Sniper and just cart around what is clearly a pound-store plastic doll instead? Nobody will notice, except for everyone.

If you wish Bill Murray was your father figure: Ghostbusters II, 1989

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Good father Bill Murray, Sigourney Weaver and Whatsitsname. Photograph: Everett Collection / Rex Feature

What a great substitute father Bill Murray would be. True, his parenting skills are motivated purely by a desire to have it off with your mother Sigourney Weaver, and once hes had his way with her, chances are hell abandon you again, creating even more profound abandonment issues than you already have. But at least youll always have the moment where he jabs his finger in your face and says: Youre short, your belly button sticks out too far, and youre a terrible burden on your poor mother.

If you own a tea towel embroidered with the phrase It takes a Village: Jack and Sarah, 1995

Raising a baby is hard, especially when the babys mother died during childbirth and you instantly and inexplicably become several times more attractive to women as a result. Youre going to need help wherever you can get it. Let Richard E Grants film Jack and Sarah show you where to look. Why not try asking the childs grandparents for assistance? Or that drunk old homeless man down the road? What about the woman youve very quickly fallen in love with, almost exclusively because she seems quite good with your kid? See? Easy.

If you essentially view babies as smaller versions of Road Runner: Babys Day Out, 1994

Watch the trailer for Babys Day Out

It can be hard to keep track of the socialite baby youve just abducted, even though babies are small and immobile and youre a career criminal with an adult brain and working limbs. Babys Day Out teaches us this lesson, thanks to the blundering efforts of Joe Mantegna, Brian Haley and Joe Pantoliano. Oh, the scrapes youll get into as your simple task escalates from grabbing a baby and putting it in a pram to trying to rescue it from a captive gorilla. The lesson here: abducting babies is harder than it looks, and not recommended.

If youre a new parent clearing up at the end of the day: Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, 1992

The worst part of any parents day is the moment when youve finally put your child to sleep, only to face the wasteland of a living room that they ruined during the day. One way to cope with this is to pretend that you turned your baby into a giant during a botched science experiment, although that would also force you to pretend that youre a terrible parent and you deserve to go to prison for your atrocities against nature. The other is to just watch Honey, I Blew Up the Kid instead.

 

If youve just been seated next to a baby on a long-haul flight: Its Alive, 1974

After spending eight hours pinned to the interior wall of an aeroplane by a screaming brat who stinks of faeces and wont let you listen to your carefully curated podcast selection, you have two choices. You can understand that babies are people too, and that its only natural for them to find the flying experience stressful. Or you can watch a badly constructed horror film about a mutant baby that ends up being hunted by a band of angry locals. Your call. Whatever gives you the release you need.

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/apr/09/which-baby-movie-is-for-you-boss-baby

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